Q is for Quiescent (look it up...).

     I am finding myself in a period of profound reflection.
     Thanksgiving is within a week and the persistent march of the Holiday season draining my checking account, I have been struck by a cord of quietness, of quiescence, and in contemplation of the path I have carved this year.
     I may be a grain of sand on the beach of this world, but I feel that the changes I have made for myself in my life have been large. This last year has left a deep impression on character. If you met me a year ago, I would have been a stressed out college student, ready to quit life, on the brink of nervous breakdown constantly, at any moment ready to flee to the nearest mountain resort and hull up forever; I wanted to run away from the overbearing pressure of family gatherings, attempt to find a way to cure my ever growing apathy for what my life was. I wanted to change my repeated eye rolling behavior, which still gets me into trouble, and figure out how to get more out of what I was doing. But I was stuck. After five and a half years of school how could I not feel stuck? College was great, still is great, always will be important, but it was also the Bane of my existence.
      Sometimes in its effort to propel you forward, the institution and its demands holds you back. I was reading nonstop, writing all the time, studying constantly. Consumed by advanced nutrition labs, specific analysis of digestion, all I thought about was enzymes, reactions, bones, vitamins, blood.... The every moment that food changes from when it is cooked, to when it is eaten, to what happens inside, the good the bad and the ugly results. I even collected my urine for 24 hours (for a class, not for fun) to accurately analyze my lean muscle mass. Talk about dedication. But all of this work, the 6 years I dedicated my life to college ended so abruptly this May, I have forgotten to reflect upon it, the "journey" if you will.
      This time last year I was so distressed, confused and self absorbed. I remember how happy I was to get out of my head for a few days and bake pies, drink way too much white wine and relax. But without my university, all of my teachers, the push of competition in classes for the best grades, I find my ambition and drive is lacking. All of those times I felt inadequate, in total disillusionment or extremely exhausted, now seem so worth it. This fall, without the stress and pressure of school, seems to be passing by even more rapidly than any other. I want it to slow down. I want to be able to take a breath, to be quiescent, to be quiet. Does anyone else feel this way?
    
     Although I have yet to find a job in my field of study, although I have yet to pursue my other true passions, although I have not been able to travel to distant countries and explore more of life's possibilities, although I have yet to hear a response from graduate programs, and although I still feel totally stuck, I have been changing all this time. Reformation was my goal, and all the while I have been trying to do so, it happened without me ever being able to acknowledge it.
      All things, big or small, can change if you strive to do so, but it must be with all of your will.
      The past five months have been tough for me. My body, my mind, my attitude, my demeanor and my drive are all different. A pill cannot change it, hormones really don't help and all in all, the sole thing that can help me understand these changes, is me. It kind of feels like I'm going though some kind of pre-menopausal /puberty /woke-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed /restorative phase of my life. I'm not sure I am down for this yet.
     It is funny to me that for the longest time, I couldn't wait to finish school. Now, I can't wait to get back. Hopefully in a year, I will be that stressed out student again, except in graduate student mode. Because upon quiet reflection, thats where my heart and mind are finally at peace, in education. (not too cheesy right?)

BTW - After all that Joy thoughts and griping, here is a an amazing recipe for a nice twist on cranberry sauce that was concocted by a dear family friend Terrance Lawlor, amazing artist, author and humorist of The Vanities.
    These bog berries were made by him for Thanksgiving many years ago while visiting his family for the holidays. He now lives and works in Belgium, but his mom, one of my surrogate grandmothers, requests them annually from yours truly. Cheers to the Lawlors' for making every holiday special! See you in a week!

      Terrance's Cranberries (with some slight Joy modifications...*)
1 12 oz. bag of fresh organic cranberries, rinsed and picked through (bad ones will not bounce, try it!)
1/2 cup of toasted* organic pecans, roughly chopped (to toast, put in a clean dry skillet, over a low to medium low heat, toss frequently. You can usually smell them when they are ready to come off the heat, but if your not so keen on that, toast them for about 5 to 7 minutes. They should start to release some of their oils, and look a little darker. Let them cool, then chop.)
2 tablespoons (tbl.) orange zest*
Juice of 1 Large Orange (Valencia is best, and zest orange before juicing, it is easier that way)
2 teaspoons lemon zest*
Juice of 1/2 a Lemon (do the same as the orange above)
1/2 cup honey (or agave syrup, there us flavored kinds too, vanilla would be best here*)
1/2 cup golden brown sugar ... you can add more if you like it sweeter ( I like to use evaporated cane juice brown sugar*)
3 tbl. Maderia Wine or Marsala Wine or any sweet dry red wine... or just drink the wine*.
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp cinnamon*
1/4 tsp fresh ground nutmeg*
1/4 tsp ground cardamom* 
1/4 cup finely chopped dried unsweetened ginger* ( if you aren't a fan of ginger, use raisins or dried cranberries)

Preparation:
1. Pulse Cranberries in a food processor 6 to 8 times until roughly chopped
2. In a heavy bottom nonstick sauce pan add all the ingredients, and stir until sugar is nearly dissolved.
3. Turn on heat to medium until mixture reaches a slight boil, stirring constantly.
4. Taste for sweetness. If you add more sugar, honey, maple syrup, whatever you like, make sure to stir until completely dissolved.*
5. Remove from heat, put cranberries into large bowl or tupperware, cover and chill for at least 6 hours preferably overnight.
6. Eat with everything on your Thanksgiving plate!*

* Anything with this little asterisk thingy is my modification to this recipe. Feel free to make your own if you like a specific spice or ingredient better. It's your food, make it taste the way you want!